My Path to Spiritual Awakening

Where do I begin…where did my journey down this beautifully amazing, painfully confusing, joyfully profound path begin. Yes, it’s been all those things and more.

I would say it was 2010, although it was triggered by a ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ that happened over a course of of several years beginning around 2006-2007. So I guess that was the beginning of the biggest shift in consciousness for me.

What I’m speaking about is Spiritual Awakening..a term this born and raised Catholic girl had not heard of until it happened to me. The term get tossed around a lot these days and I think it has many meanings depending on who is saying it. I don’t know that we’re ever fully Spiritually Awake. I think it’s a process that happens over a course of time for most people. However, I do think that some people have an experiences and that experience launches them into this realm of ‘complete knowingness’ over night. Spiritual Awakenings are very often, but not always, triggered by a major traumatic event in your life (divorce, death, an accident or illness, near death experience these are a few) that causes this ‘Dark Night of the Soul’. It can last a short time or a long time. Some people experience the ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ more than once in their lives. In my personal experience this ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ lasted several years.

For anyone unfamiliar with what the ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ is I’ll briefly explain it here and perhaps in another blog I will go into it more deeply as I know it.

First off there are different stages but the primary and short explanation of my experience is this. It is when you know deep inside something is not right. Something is changing inside you. You feel a lose of identity. You don’t know what’s going on or why it is happening and it can be scary, unsettling and confusing. You feel sort of like something is dying inside you and all I can say is it can be very intense, lonely and confusing. You go from having an identity, a sense of who you are and what your life is all about to suddenly all the things you thought were true about the world, you and your place in it are now all in question. You feel a very strong need, you’re on a mission to find answers to all life’s important questions. Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? How do I live a life that impacts others in a positive way? Why do I believe what I believe and what if it’s all wrong? Some heavy and profound questions to explore. You have no idea where this will lead you or who you are becoming in the process. You’re just in limbo, you’re ‘In the Dark’. You had a fairly clear idea of who you thought you were but you are no longer that anymore but you don’t know who you are becoming either. Some people in your life may be concerned because they sense something is off and you know it is but you can’t really verbalize what you’re not sure of…yet. It can feel very isolating and lonely but you do your best to go on as normal but it’s not normal. and at that point you don’t know it but it will never go back to “normal” again. You feel a disconnect with everyone around you. You feel your life suddenly has little meaning. You’re afraid to talk to anyone about what’s happening and when you do try it doesn’t always go so well. You may even lose some friends, even family members may distance themselves from you or completely leave your life.

Carl Jung coined the term “Dark Night of the Soul’ but on a spiritual level it’s really not the Soul that is going through the dark night it is the ‘Ego Self’, the part of you that identifies you as “PattiAnn”, or “Sally” and all the other labels we as humans use to identify ourselves and each other like your job title, your social status, your skin color, parent, husband, wife etc. It’s the death of the ‘Ego Self’, your psyche but also the birth or re-emergence of your true essence as the Spiritual Being you actually are, it’s a remembrance. However, you have no idea that’s what is happening when you’re going through this ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ or as I like to call ‘Death of the Ego’. You don’t discuss it because you can’t explain it, unless you are lucky enough to be around someone who as gone through it and they recognize it.

As my awakening unfolded I started to come into a knowing of who I truly was as a divine being. Not just a concept you learn or hear about in church but a true knowing far beyond anything that has to do with religion (this is when I was coming out of the dark night and it just as suddenly can be over or it can just happen gradually as you become more aware and learn more).

I started to become more aware, more intuitive. Of course I questioned that too. I started understanding what it meant to be the ‘see-er’ as Michael Singer describes it. The see-er is the part of you that basically contradicts all those less than desirable thoughts that the ego self says in your head. The things like, “who do you think your are. you can’t do or have that, you don’t deserve xyz, you’re not smart enough, pretty enough, you’re gonna make a fool of yourself”, and on and on. All those self defeating thoughts that run through your head are not the true you. It’s your ego self. Your true soul essence is the one behind that voice ..the one that is the ‘see-er’ of those thoughts, the one that says '“ your Are worthy, you Are deserving, you Are loved, you Are smart, You Are God and God Is You”.

Looking back on my childhood I had many times of feeling this sense of disconnection. Feeling something was missing.. A feeling of not belonging or a loneliness even when you’re with people. I had a great family that I loved and that loved me and I knew I was blessed in that sense. I also enjoyed socializing in high school but at the same time there was a part of me that never felt like I could or maybe I was afraid, I don’t know, to be myself completely. I remember my dad noticing on more than one occasion and acknowledging my feeling. He would just tell me it would pass. I never could put my finger on it or verbalize this feeling in any meaningful way to anyone so It was just one of those things I kept to myself. Of course I realize everyone goes through little bouts of perhaps depression and confusion.. ‘growing pains’ if you will, but these feelings seemed different. It was like I knew in my mind somewhere that I was supposed to be doing or being something different.. but I didn’t know what that was. I now no I was right. I was supposed to be someone else. I was supposed to be my true self, not what I thought others wanted me to be.. the good girl, the smart girl, the pretty girl, the don’t do that or people will think badly of you girl , don’t embarrass the family by acting inappropriate in any way, the don’t disappoint girl, or feeling like I needed to be more like that other girl. I’m not sure how many people go out in the world especially as a kid and show people their true selves? As kids you’re generally self conscious, want to fit in and be liked. I’m not even sure how many different faces or ‘masks’ as they called in in high school health class, do most kids and adults put on throughout the day. Not saying it’s always done consciously because I think most times it isn’t. 

Anyway, skip ahead to when Covid happened.. There were just things that I knew that were innately true.. a deep knowing.. an unquestionable knowing suddenly about a lot of subjects matters that were playing out. I tried to discuss it but I wasn’t very good at it and it wasn’t well received by many…at least in the beginning. The information in my head was coming in so fast and the content of the information and realizations were actually in many aspects horrifying and ended up being all the topics that have come to be so controversial and even considered conspiracy by many and now are proving true. It scary when you know something to be true in your gut but talking about it is splitting people, families and long time friendships and marriages apart and that was the last thing I wanted. I came to many realizations about who I am on a soul level, as a soul that was having this human incarnation, and that this was not by far my first rodeo here, or in other star systems. I could not stop reading, and learning. I was and still am on a mission of understanding more and more all the time. Things continue to become clearer clearer as I become ever more deeply connected with my Higher Self, with Source Consciousness. I became a meditation fanatic. I could not wait to get into meditative states to see what would present itself to me, trying different forms of meditation and breath work looking forward to what insights, what download I may receive. It has all been so enlightening, so addictive almost because I just want to know more. I have a thirst for knowledge that is almost unquenchable at times. I have however come to the point where I’m in such deep gratitude for how far I’ve come and I just look forward to more and I know there is so much much more. It will come to me as I am ready the more I raise my consciousness and frequency and I look forward to it. At first I would question what was coming to me.. am I making this shit up or was it real… but I think most people who go through this have the same feelings  at first. Again for me I didn’t share a lot at first with anyone. I kept it to myself because I knew how It sounded.

Source gives you what you are the vibration match to at this point I do share some things with certain people like my husband of course and a few others.. but have not had anyone like a personal friend to talk to about these topics that I feel I can share that part of me fully. I share nuggets. My intention is to change that by coming out and speaking about my own experiences in this blog  in hopes that I will help others feel safe to express their own experiences and to find ‘my tribe’ so to speak. I have made online connections with people around the world.. one of the beautiful things about the internet is getting to meet people from all over but it’s not the same as having an In Person friend or group of friends that get you through and through..it’s something I’ve longed for my whole life but for some reason has alluded me.. and that’s not an easy thing to say. but I can say I finally feel a true sense of home inside myself that I’ve never felt so I know that is a sure sign I’m doing just fine.. better than fine. My peeps are out there and I’m looking forward to meeting. 

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Blog Post Title Two

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Three

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Four

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.